Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
