She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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