i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
