I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
