Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
