Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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