i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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