"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
