the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
