I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
