Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize