I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
