Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
