you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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