Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
