I met the friendliest cop last night
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
