smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
