I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
