DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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