just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
We're hate flirting, damnit.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
