My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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