apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Rumble strips road head = magical
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize