Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
