She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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