Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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