You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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