well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
