Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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