thus making me awesome and them whores
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
