Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
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