I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
