Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
