like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
