I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
