I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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