Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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