Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
