"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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