Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
