Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
