Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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