On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize