Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
sarcasm needs its own font
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize