I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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