I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
