had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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