Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
