You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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