Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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