I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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