If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
