I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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