How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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