Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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