I wish my penis had an off switch
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
