Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
