ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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