I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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