also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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